no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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