I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize