i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
