You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
