im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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