So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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