watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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