I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
