Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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