i just wanna soil my oats bro
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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