I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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