I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
