Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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