upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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