I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
