we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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