when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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