i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
