would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
