My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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