hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
