i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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