I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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