Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
