You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
