when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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