I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
