1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
