i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
