She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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