I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
