her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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