Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
