70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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