My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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