i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
