yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
