i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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