I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
