Where is the hickey?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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