summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
