it was like having sex with a tree stump
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
