I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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