I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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