Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
