Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
