I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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