Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
