apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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