she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
