I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
