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Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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