Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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