god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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