i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
